Not I, but Christ.

It has been amazing. The passion that has been shared of late, by many friends, to seek and save the lost, has been soul-inspiring…

But, as I sit in the quietness of my thoughts, I must ask myself serious questions. Questions that demand an answer,  yet that answer seems evasive.

I have to ask myself whether it’s Him, or I.

This question can really rock the foundation of your entire being, but seems necessary, in my case at least.

No question. If Christ is in me, I will seek souls. Life or death, it will not matter. That’s how Christ lives. There is no sacrifice too great.

But is it Him, or I?

Am I waking up in the morning, and clothing the old man in a nice pressed suit, ready to impress all that behold it… or, am I dying to self, yet allowing Christ to live in me? Do I give all, because I already gave it all to Him anyway, or because it’s what I’m supposed to do?

Would I be willing to give all, if there was no reward? If I only met with humiliation, destruction, and death? Or do I only work for God when it is convenient?

Is that really working for God at all?

Am I honestly working for God and others? Do I consecrate myself to the Lord, and ask Him to send me where He wants me? Do I humbly submit to whatever, wherever, however that may be?

And, with tears in my heart, I can’t say that’s always been the case. It’s quite easy and convenient to do “good deeds“, when there is no cost to self. No matter how “good” the deed, and needy or thankful the recipient, if it was not Him, but myself, then it was just as selfish as not doing it at all. 

And there is also no cost to believing. Even the devils do that. There must be more…

What does all this amount to?

My willpower, my decision to serve God, is only one thing:

 Choice-power. (Simply my ability to choose Christ in me… or the other option.)

I cannot help the dying souls around me, whether here or elsewhere. There is nothing I can do for them, more than an infidel or atheist, if self is not dead, and Christ is not ruling. And it will either be one, or the other… no middle ground.

And as I prepare to go to fields near and far this year… Asia, Alaska, and who knows where else, I will only be wasting the time of poor souls, unless I've buried self, and asked Christ to reign instead.

What counts at the end of the day, is not how much I've done, but how much I've surrendered. Not how good I look, but how beautiful He appears. 

And if none of the above made sense, I’ll try to relay the thought in one breath:

Not I, but Christ. 

And as I seek this relationship, I have a feeling that this is what He’s wanted all along.

My efforts have only brought frustration and dead-ends. I can’t wait to see what He can do with me…